embraceyourinnerdork: screenshot taken from Mulan 2, Princess Ting-Ting with chopsticks up her nose (Default)
Erin the Dorktastic ([personal profile] embraceyourinnerdork) wrote2011-05-27 10:09 pm

My sexuality is a mess. The end.

Actually, that is a terrible title, and such a strange first entry, but I can't come up with anything else. Titles are not generally my thing. (Just can't find the words. And to think I called myself a writing major!)

Anyway, I've been kind of mulling around a lot of these words and phrases in my head, since once I get something in my head, I like to rehearse it mentally, as if I'm going to confess, or write out my thoughts... but I never do. And this subject applies more than most, since I am terribly, horribly in the closet IRL. Closeting what, you may ask... and the answer is so muddled that, well, I have to write this entry to make sense of it.

I've basically never had any point in my life when I thought being queer was wrong. I remember realizing when others thought it was wrong, but I have never taken offense to the idea at all. I think Sailor Moon had something to do with this. In fact, in the sixth grade, I wasn't just going through a tomboy phase, I was going through a Haruka phase. I learned the hard way what my family thought of the whole queer business, but that's still rather raw and I'm not ready to blog about that just yet (if only because of my unmedicated paranoia that my journal will be tracked and I'll be made obvious).

But what am I? I've found both boys and girls attractive for, well, as long as I've ever been attracted to people at all. So the I'm bi, right? Not quite. I've also used pan quite a bit, on account of not being put off by non-binary gender identities... but the definition given for bi versus pan does put me off, as if bisexuals don't look at personality or something. Then I thought, you know what, I'm totally fine not having sex at all (with others, anyway), so maybe I'm ace, but bi/panromantic! But then I thought that I don't really care to seek out a relationship either, but I know I'm not aromantic altogether...

So I mentally sorted all this out while waiting for the bus the other night, and I think I've got it straight. (Pun absolutely not intended.)

I like male bodies. I like female bodies. I like whoever comes in them, wherever they may be on the gender spectrum. My fantasy grown-up life sometimes involves marriage, sometimes menage-a-trois, and sometimes just me being a totally-single awesome foster mom. I have never been in a relationship, and never had sex with another person, and I'm okay with that - in fact, I'm okay if that never changes - but I'm also okay if it does.

So what does that make me?

Right now I think I like the term bi-celibate (or pan-celibate, I'm still not sure). And if I ever got to know anyone well enough to come out to that was familiar with my guilty pleasure Archie comics, then, well, I think Jughead is a pretty accurate descriptor. I'm capable of romance, but I don't care to date. The end.

I think.